In which Wade provides the first of what is sure to be a variety
of entries discussing religion. Primary topics include the Invisible
Pink Unicorn and the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
Ok, so I don't really expect the religiously-inclined to find the
following all that amusing (after all, satire is funnier when you
aren't at the pointy end). However, there is a serious side to all of
this, so read on if you are feeling daring!)
Pink Unicorn (IPU) is a satirical goddess "revered" by us atheists.
"Invisible Pink Unicorns are beings of great spiritual power. We know this because they are capable of being invisible and pink at the same time. Like all religions, the Faith of the Invisible Pink Unicorns is based upon both logic and faith. We have faith that they are pink; we logically know that they are invisible because we can't see them." --Steve Eley
Spaghetti Monster (FSM) is also a useful device for explaining
atheistc views, designed to address the debate over intelligent
People who "revere" the FSM refer to themselves as Pastafarians.
Puns are so punny!
- An invisible and undetectable flying spaghetti monster
created the universe, starting with a mountain, trees and a midgit.
- All evidence pointing toward evolution was intentionally
planted by the Flying Spaghetti Monster. The FSM tests
Pastafarians' faith by making things look older than they really
are. "For example, a scientist may perform a carbon-dating process
on an artifact. He finds that approximately 75% of the carbon-14
has decayed by electron emission to nitrogen-14, and infers that
this artifact is approximately 10,000 years old, as the half-life
of carbon-14 appears to be 5,730 years. But what our scientist
does not realize is that every time he makes a measurement, the
Flying Spaghetti Monster is there changing the results with his
noodly appendage. We have numerous texts that describe in detail
how this can be possible and the reasons why he does this. He is
of course invisible and can pass through normal matter with ease."
- Pastafarian heaven includes at least one "beer volcano" and
one stripper factory.
- "Ramen" is the official conclusion to prayers, certain
sections of the gospel of the flying spaghetti monster, etc.,
(note that ramen is a kind of noodle - puns are sooo punny!)
Personally though, I'm not a fan of either the beer volcano or the
stripper factory. But that's ok, because I can pick and choose which
parts of FSM's doctrine I want to listen to. After all, everyone seems
to do that same thing with their religion, don't they?
I'm always been rather amazed at how very unsatisfying the 10
Commandments of the Bible are, given their ubiquitousness in the
social conciousness. Below, I've cited the 10 commandents as discussed
in the christian portion of the Wikpedia entry
on the 10 Commandments. My subsequent comments can be appropriately
modified to apply to the other interpretations as well.
- " ... You shall have no other gods before me. You shall not make for yourself a graven image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is on the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth; you shall not bow down to them or serve them; for I the LORD your God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing steadfast love to thousands of those who love me and keep my commandments."
- "You shall not create and worship idols before me."
- "You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain: for the LORD will not hold him guiltless who takes his name in vain."
- "Observe the sabbath day, to keep it holy, as the LORD your God commanded you. Six days you shall labor, and do all your work; but the seventh day is a sabbath to the LORD your God; in it you shall not do any work, you, or your son, or your daughter, or your manservant, or your maidservant, or your ox, or your ass, or any of your cattle, or the sojourner who is within your gates, that your manservant and your maidservant may rest as well as you. You shall remember that you were a servant in the land of Egypt, and the LORD your God brought you out thence with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm; therefore the LORD your God commanded you to keep the sabbath day."
- "Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God commanded you; that your days may be prolonged, and that it may go well with you, in the land which the LORD your God gives you."
- "You shall not kill."
- "Neither shall you commit 328adultery."
- "Neither shall you steal."
- "Neither shall you bear false witness against your neighbor."
- "and you shall not desire your neighbor's house, his field, or his manservant, or his maidservant, his ox, or his ass, or anything that is your neighbor's."
Now, don't get me wrong - five of the commandments are at
least partially acceptable - I'm against killing (#6), stealing (#10), lying (#9) and
infidelity (kinda #7). And do agree that parents are deserving of respect (#5). However,
there are caveats and exceptions, even to these:
- Respect should be given when it is deserved. Parents deserve to
be respected and honored for the immense self-sacrifice they accept
as part of their duty in raising a child to be a healthy,
functional, well-adjusted member of society. A parent who does not
do these things shouldn't be respected by anyone, including their
- I'd steal food if my hypothetical/future children were starving.
And if I go to hell for it, God is one fucked up thingee!
- The commandment against adultery is often generalized to mean
no premaritial sex (if you have sex with an unmarried person, you
are supposedly cheating on their future spouse). The idea of
entering into a marriage without knowing if you are sexually
compatible or not seems very naive and foolhardy, personally.
Also, given that I am polyamorous, I obviously make a distinction
between infidelity (the concious and intentional violation of one's
sexual/emotional commitments to another) and adultery (having
sexual relations with someone other than your spouse).
- Is a little white lie a lie? Does a person go to hell for
saying "Yes" when someone asks for advice on whether the asker looks
good in clothes that aren't complementary?
As for the the other 5 commandments, I find them either puzzlingly
vague/useless or downright pathetic. Commanding an individual not to
covet (aka experience jealousy/envy about) the possessions of another
(#10) seems less than useful - for those individuals prone to envy,
this commandment seems something like saying "don't laugh when someone
And as for the first four commandments (#1-#4), what the fuck is up
with them? Imagine it was a human emperor of all mankind saying these
things. They would come across as an egocentric, insecure weenie,
insisting that individuals revere only him, not say bad things about
him, and honor him once a week. Respect isn't demanded, it is earned!
Even worse, if you don't do what he/she/it says, you are damned to
eternal suffering. Sadism and fuckupedness of an unimaginable scale!
Now, I'm not a fan of sophism, so I'm going to suggest an
alternative set of commandments. The Flying Spaghetti Monster has
providing us with eight commandments (but he calls them "I'd Really
Rather You Didn'ts"). Some people call them Commandements, and others
call them Condiments.
The Eight "I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts"
- I'd Really Rather You Didn't Act Like a Sanctimonious Holier-Than-Thou Ass When Describing My Noodly Goodness. If Some People Don't Believe In Me, That's Okay. Really, I'm Not That Vain. Besides, This Isn't About Them So Don't Change The Subject.
- I'd Really Rather You Didn't Use My Existence As A Means To Oppress, Subjugate, Punish, Eviscerate, And/Or, You Know, Be Mean To Others. I Don't Require Sacrifices, And Purity Is For Drinking Water, Not People.
- I'd Really Rather You Didn't Judge People For The Way They Look, Or How They Dress, Or The Way They Talk, Or, Well, Just Play Nice, Okay? Oh, And Get This In Your Thick Heads: Woman = Person. Man = Person. Samey - Samey. One Is Not Better Than The Other, Unless We're Talking About Fashion And I'm Sorry, But I Gave That To Women And Some Guys Who Know The Difference Between Teal and Fuchsia.
- I'd Really Rather You Didn't Indulge In Conduct That Offends Yourself, Or Your Willing, Consenting Partner Of Legal Age AND Mental Maturity. As For Anyone Who Might Object, I Think The Expression Is Go Fuck Yourself, Unless They Find That Offensive In Which Case They Can Turn Off the TV For Once And Go For A Walk For A Change.
- I'd Really Rather You Didn't Challenge The Bigoted, Misogynist, Hateful Ideas Of Others On An Empty Stomach. Eat, Then Go After The Bastard.
- I'd Really Rather You Didn't Build Multimillion-Dollar Churches/Temples/Mosques/Shrines To My Noodly Goodness When The Money Could Be Better Spent (Take Your Pick):
- Ending Poverty
- Curing Diseases
- Living In Peace, Loving With Passion, And Lowering The Cost Of Cable
I Might be a Complex-Carbohydrate Omniscient Being, But I Enjoy The Simple Things In Life. I Ought To Know. I AM the Creator.
- I'd Really Rather You Didn't Go Around Telling People I Talk To You. You're Not That Interesting. Get Over Yourself. And I Told You To Love Your Fellow Man, Can't You Take A Hint?
- I'd Really Rather You Didn't Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You If You Are Into, Um, Stuff That Uses A Lot of Leather/Lubricant/Las Vegas. If the Other Person Is Into It, However (Pursuant To #4), Then Have At It, Take Pictures, And For The Love Of Mike, Wear a CONDOM! Honestly, It's A Piece of Rubber. If I Didn't Want It To Feel Good When You Did It I Would Have Added Spikes, Or Something.
Now these are some commandments I can get behind! Every one of them
is useful, productive, relevant, applicable, constructive and
desirable! I'd be interested in hearing counter arguments though! I'm
always willing to adjust my views if evidence is offered that my views
are inaccurate. For example, I will offer $37 to anyone who can prove
that IPU and/or FSM do not exist. Why you would want to dismiss the
wonderful Invisible Pink Unicorn or His Noodly Goodness, I cannot
imagine, but there is no accounting for taste! Maybe you don't like