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Wade

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Boo! [Apr. 13th, 2008|04:59 pm]
Wade
In which Wade summarizes what's been happening in the months he's been absent from LJ, and plans to get back into some blogging.

Wow. It has been close to 4 months since I've been active on LJ - my last post was on Jan. 26th! Things have been busy in SF and Google-land, but I've been motivated lately to get back to writing "if you want to get to know me, read this entry"-style entries. Thought I'd first give a very brief summary of what's been happening with me lately. This entry is more in the way of a place for LJ friends to send "hey, nice to see you" or "you slack-ass, where have you been?" style comments, so that the more topic-specific entries planned for later won't be filled with general-purpose happy/angry comments ;-)

I've previously posted some entries about my first few months in the Bay Area, including work at Google (i.e. here, here and here), my experiences with HAI (here and here), the move from corporate housing to a more permanent abode in San Francisco (here and here), and some romantic possibilities (here and here and here).

The last 3 months have seen much less diversity than the first few months. In the short term, this is actually a good thing, but I am aiming to find a balance between work and non-work in the upcoming months.

Intellectually, things have been wonderfully stimulating. Google continues to be a fascinating place to work. I am much more productive now that I have a better understanding of the infrastructure and my role. I've started two work projects that I am personally passionate about, and am getting positive feedback from others on both of them. I have some hopes that both projects will end up having a significant impact on Google engineering productivity, but it is a little too early to tell for sure (and I am somewhat too invested to be able to objectively see the forest for the trees, so it may all just be a delusion on my part). In any event, I'm sincerely enjoying my work. So much so that I spend most weekday evenings (when I get home around 8pm) working on Google-related projects. Between the two big projects at Google, and three equally large (and, in one case, overlapping) personal projects, there is no where near enough hours in the day to get everything done I'd like to, but having so many different things to do is fun in its own right.

Socially, things have been rather quiet. I had a house party a few months after arriving here, but shortly after that I unintentionally turned into a recluse as I become more invested in work projects. I have, however, managed to find a regular D&D game and have been playing every Thursday (at work) from 6 till 10pm. The campaign is scheduled to end at the end of April though, so I'll need to find another group sometime soon.

Romantically, things have been very quiet. I had been socializing with both L and J, but things didn't progress with either of them. I found L's response to my hyper-open personality somewhat puzzling - normally people respond with one of two reactions: 1) They end up being hyper-open as well, or 2) They express disinterest. L did neither of these - she was neither enthusiastic nor distance, just sorta bland. During a IM conversation one morning, she mentioned "I'm just not sure how strong of a pull I am feeling towards doing or exploring with you. Right now, the pull is low.". This was a forehead-smacking sheepish-style moment for me, because until then I hadn't clued into the "she's just not that into me" vibe at all. In hindsight, this totally explains her seemingly bland, neutral response to me, and I felt quite embarassed about not having realized sooner that she just wasn't that interested. It isn't that I'm deluded about my overall desirability to females - I am well aware that my attitudes and philosophies and personality are often quite incompatible with others. I just expect people to be more forth-coming with their disinterest, I suppose :-) In any event, once she established that she wasn't that interested, I didn't want to intrude on her time, and we fell out of contact. I don't know if she was hoping I'd chase after her or not (I don't really think she was doing that game), but I'm just so not the chasing-after sort. Someone either finds me interesting as I am, or they don't.

An entirely different situation occurred with J, but with the same end result. The evening that we'd planned on doing some novel salacious activity we instead ended up triggering each other into a conflict that didn't get resolved like previous conflcits between us have. We are very different people, with very different outlooks on religion, politics, relationships, sex, gender roles, gender equality, money and probably various other things. In some ways, these differences were interesting and fun opportunities to view the world thru another perspective. In other ways, these differences caused misunderstandings or just plain disagreements. I don't really have a good understanding of why J decided to stop developing a relationship with me, but for myself the relationship just wasn't feeling sufficiently balanced, and I think we were aiming at semi-incompatible goals. Her being a mono girl willing to "experiment for awhile" just doesn't fit with my preferred modus operandi. I'd be interested in socializing further with her if she were in the right head space for it, but I'm not really expecting anything to develop. We'll be seeing each other at HAI level 4 though, so it'll be nice to reconnect there at least.

Sexually, I've been emulating a monk for quite some time. Well, I suppose that depends on whether the monk is allowed to masturbate, since I've been doing some of that, but certainly haven't been addressing interpersonal sexual interests much at all the past few months. I've alternated between intellectually focused and sexually focused periods (like I usually do), and during my sexually inclined periods I've explored a few interesting things. One idea was very novel, and held my interest for a few weeks, but I decided not to pursue it. I'll write up a Tier 3 posting about that idea sometime soon.

As is often the case, my intellectual and sexual interests overlap. The aforementioned provocative idea that I'm being so coy about discussing was both potently erotic and also inspired a bout of coding on a long-term project related to web-personals sites (I've been developing an infrastructure for downloading, parsing, analyzing and modifying web-personals sites in a reliable and fail-safe way). Since this coding project requires interaction with nuemrous web personals sites, and because I was sexually inclined at the time, I decided to use www.adultfriendfinder.com (aka AFF) as my newest testbed. In the past I've often used this ploy as a motivator for advancing intellectual (aka very geeky) interests - add some sexual titillation to keep things continually interesting :-) What amuses me about this is that I often get so involved in the intellectual aspects of what I'm doing that I become oblivious of actual content I'm interacting with. If you explore AFF at all, you'll understand what I mean - it is an amusingly sexually explicit site, and for me to be ignoring the delightfully provocative nudity as I improve my coding infrastructure is a sad measure of my over-the-top geekiness, I fear :-)

Fortunately, the intellectual obsession-de-jour eventually fades, leaving time for sexually-inclined activities, which eventually give way to another (or the same) intellectual focus, in a never ended cycle. Its a fun and stimulating cycle, and one I've experienced for many many years now.

I did strike up a conversation with one girl on AFF, and after some on-site messages, a few emails, and two days of a crazy number of text messages back and forth, we met for some socializing at a restaurant. We'd discovered a variety of compatible sexual interests, and the in-personal conversation, both platonic and sexual, continued where the text messages had left off. The evening ended with some exhibitionistic (on my part) and voyeuristic (on her part) activities. Being the shy and reserved person that I am, I couldn't possibly share the details ;-) Unfortunately, things didn't go anywhere after that. Chemistry being what it is, I can only assume she wasn't feeling the right vibe, which is completely understandable. She wasn't exactly what I was expecting either, but I would have been interested in at least exploring things further. But it takes 2+ people to dance a multi-person dance, so we'll just need to look for more compatible peeps.

There was another person on AFF that I was very interested in, and who responded to my initial intentionally-quite-brief message (sadly, a relatively rare event). I responded with an intentionally-rather-long (I'm sure it surprises you that I'm capable of long messages) email. Her rather brief response:

Wow your letter was long. I appreciate that you spent so much time writing. I'm nto sure what to say.... thanks? Vegas was fun. I'm in a different kind of mood now. Sort of ready to fall in love... [her name]
was frustratingly unsatisfactory, because both my profile and my emails make it very clear (I thought) that I'm simply not interested in sex-just-for-sex, and that I *want* to develop connections with the people I interact with sexually. I haven't responded to her yet, but I suppose I should do so at some point. Just don't know how to be more clear about where I'm coming from. I suspect she has made assumptions about the superficiality of people on the web-site, and that she paints everyone with the same brush. It is difficult breaking past such assumption, especially without knowing more about where she is coming from. It is a pity, because I do quite like her profile, for many reasons. She's articulate, educated, exhibitionistic, asian, and likes MMF's. Sounds like a lot of fun to me :-) Alas, I fear she will be one of those ships that passes in the night, close enough to see, but too far away to interact with more intimately.

Hmmm. I think I'll post an entry here that contains my AFF profile and get some feedback on ways to improve it so as to convey the right message. I suspect that most females do not take the site very seriously at all, given how overtly sexually it is - it would be nice to find a way to convey my non-superficiality on the site.

The near future will probably involve some changes of direction for me. I've been too focused on Google, Google, Google, and am looking forward to getting back into socializing more. HAI Level 4 is occuring at the end of the month, which I'm very much looking forward to. HAI Level 5 is the weekend after that, but I do not have gender-balance for that one yet, and am kinda concerned that I won't find one (HAI requires an equal number of males and females at its workshops, and for some strange reason, there are often fewer females than males motivated to take the workshiops (I have my suspicions as to why, but am hoping they are wrong).

I'm also going to be socializing with some people I met at HAI Level's 1 and 2, who are sponsoring me into a Burning Man tribe called "Deep Heaven". Very much looking forward to socializing more with them as well. Burning Man is at the end of August, and I've already booked the week off at Google. My manager has taken to calling me a hippy, which I find immensely amusing (he is covered in tattoos and makes casual references to the Power Exchange in weekly meetings, so it isn't as if he is some conservative wall-flower :-)

I've also been feeling a writing mood coming on, so if I can manage to balance this new-found urge with work projects, personal projects, and in-person socializing, I am hoping to get back into LJ. Contrary to appearances, I've thought about LJ and the people I've met here quite a bit in the past few months, and I am hoping to reconnect with my wonderfully interesting and cool LJ friends.

I sincerely hope things have been going well for y'all. I'd love to hear from you. Post a summary of what's been up with you and I promise I'll catch up on your journals as time permits!

LinkReply

Comments:
[User Picture]From: esmereya
2008-04-14 12:47 am (UTC)

The playa calls

Yippee! See you at Burning Man!
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: metawade
2008-04-14 01:20 am (UTC)

Re: The playa calls

Hey you! I'd love to see you and the hubby at Burning Man! If you are coming down earlier, you are very welcome to crash at my (small but cozy) apartment in San Fran for as long as you'd like (either before or after BMan).

I left a message for you in your LJ profile. I'm fascinated by the apparent coincidence - your last entry was April 13th, 2007. And today is April 13th, 2008. oooooh. aaaaaah. spooky. ;-)

(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: esmereya
2008-04-15 10:38 pm (UTC)

Re: The playa calls

Thanks for the offer! We'd love to! He lived in SF for a long time but I've seen very little of it. We may be rather pressed for time this year, but maybe we can keep the option open for other years?

I do read LJ still but have stopped posting because I don't feel safe having that amount of information about me available online. Unfortunately. Interesting though - a year ago I was preparing for my first visit to Canada. This week I'm submitting an application for permanent residence here.
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[User Picture]From: radven
2008-04-30 05:47 am (UTC)

Re: The playa calls

Ah - Burning Man! :-)

Cherie and I are contemplating organizing our own theme camp this year for active and want-to-be nomads. I wonder how many we can gather??

BTW - Glad to see you back posting Wade!
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: cindy_reddeer
2008-04-14 01:16 am (UTC)
*waves* I was beginning to think I would have to nudge you soon. ;-) Glad work is going well, and I hope socially things pick up. I hope to see you on my flist more often.

Nothing much going on with me, posted a couple of video posts, some pic posts. Nothing exciting. =)
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[User Picture]From: metawade
2008-04-14 01:24 am (UTC)

Cindy! I've been terribly lax about posting on LJ, I know! Just too many other things going on, but I have a few entries I'll be posting. Mostly sexual in nature, since I'll be posting them on AFF as well, but I'm sure my flist will be able to handle it ;-)

How are things in Red Deer? How's work? Any love/sex interests of late? I'll check out your vid posts - I remember seeing one of the first ones you posted, of you driving around in snow-covered Red Deer :-)

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[User Picture]From: cindy_reddeer
2008-04-14 04:17 am (UTC)
Red Deer is warm & sunny, work is busy, and what is this sex your speak of? ;-)
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[User Picture]From: so_mercurial
2008-04-14 01:50 pm (UTC)
Wade! where the hell has your slack ass been?! [speaking of which, when are you going to post pictures of your ass. ;)]

of course, being as i am a pot, calling the kettle black, i'll give you my life in a nutshell. moving. again. pictures and gory details to follow. bah.

anyway... AFF, and looking for love?! *diez laughing* um, my experience with AFF leaves me to firmly believe that you go there to get fucked blind, not to find a soulmate. *eyeroll*

*smooches you madly* glad to see you back. :)

M
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: diachrony
2008-04-14 10:49 pm (UTC)
And *you* need to make with the posting, too, Mistress M.

::HUGS::
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[User Picture]From: metawade
2008-04-15 04:51 pm (UTC)
Mara! My slack ass has been doing very well. As for pics of my ass, see my next entry ;-)

Where you moving to? How are pink and blue and ... um, I've forgotten the other one's color?

You can mock my AFF romantic aspirations all you want, missy. I shall blithely ignore such pessimistic attitudes and continue to believe that there are nice, intelligent, emotionally-and-sexually available exhibitionistic girls on AFF awaiting my poly self :-)

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[User Picture]From: diachrony
2008-04-14 10:48 pm (UTC)
Long time no post. Good to see you around again with your soul-of-brevity self. ;-)
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[User Picture]From: metawade
2008-04-15 04:47 pm (UTC)
Hi Dio! I am a soul-of-brevity, aren't I! :-)
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[User Picture]From: luighseach
2008-04-15 06:59 pm (UTC)
What do you suspect as being the reason for the gender imbalance?

Again, good to see you again!
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[User Picture]From: winterlion
2008-04-15 11:06 pm (UTC)
Oh! I've missed your posts ;)

I've met a lovely lady and we're adventuring and exploring for many interpretations of those words. Work has improved - but I still want to go back to programming. Oh well.
Life nonetheless is looking good!
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